Through A Glass Darkly

Ten years ago I was a new convert to Christianity, 21 years old and zealous to teach and preach what I believed to be the unadulterated Word of God. I was getting ready to leave my home in Georgia and move to Lattimore, NC to attend bible college…I was to begin in January of 1998. I cannot believe that was 10 years ago. What a journey! I would like to think that I have learned some things along the way (depending on who was commenting on this journey, it might be said I have forgotten more than I have learned). I want to list just a handful of things that I believe I have learned.

1. There is no way around tradition: I began my Christian journey as an ignorant Methodist. The Methodist church baptized me when I was 8 or so…I don’t remember anything about it. I became a purposed and intentional follower of Christ at 16 and was re-baptized in an independent fundamentalist baptist church. But it wasn’t until I was 21 that I really began to study and try to understand my faith. I went to a baptist bible college for three years and thought I was reading the bible “literally.” In my third year of school, I came across Charles H. Spurgeon and Charles Hodge and realized that my views were not universally shared as I had thought. This caused a great deal of vexation. Who was right? How could I know? The beauty and completeness I perceived in the Calvinist tradition drew me away from the narrow fundamentalism of my bible college. I lived and worshiped in the baptistic/neo-puritan strand of Christendom for the next 4 years devouring the 17th century english non-conformist puritans. I thought I was reading the bible as Matthew, Luke, Paul and Peter had intended…I was practicing the ancient faith. Then I was confronted with the actual views of Calvin, Luther and the Reformation. They spoke of sacraments, church fathers, creeds and councils, infant baptism and liturgy. “Not again! Who’s right? How can I know?” After a year or so, I knew I had finally reached my goal, the theology and worship of the early church. Then a thought crossed my mind. A thought so simple a child could understand. Jesus promised to send the Holy Spirit to guide his church into all truth. Paul said that the church was the “pillar and ground of the truth.” Why was I jumping from Paul, Peter, and Jesus to Calvin and Luther? What about the other 1500 years? Was it really dark in those ages? Had the glory really departed? Was there nothing to offer but a few dissidents fighting the structures of the satanic, anti-christian papacy? And the eastern churches, were they just filled with idolatry and superstition? The fact of the matter is, we all have our accepted interpreters of scripture. Our accepted community outside of which we dare not go. The question is which tradition will we choose? As for me, I know longer fear the church catholic as lived in all ages and all places. I long to know her. It is my family. God help me to pass on the things that have been handed down to me.

2. Christians are sinners: Wow! How long does it take to learn this one. Certainly we know it day one of our Christian lives…it’s built into our beliefs. But when we see it, especially among those we admire most, it can devastate us. I have seen hypocrisy and pride at the highest levels. I have seen a fear of the word of God among those whose power is challenged. I have seen the most deplorable sexual deviance. I have felt the wrenching, doubting, tormenting weight of unbelief and apostasy. I have told God that I wanted nothing to do with him and I wanted him to have nothing to do with me. Christians are sinners! We must look to Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith. We will be disappointed. People will fail us. We will be hurt deeply. But we can press on. We can keep our faith. We can glory in weakness that God’s power might be made known.

3. The majority of the Christian life is filled with normal stuff…and it should be: I began my Christian life with a zeal that would have made Judas Maccabees proud. I had no place for fun, leisure, or anything normal. I lived this way for 4 years. I could not go any more. Something had to change. I needed love. I needed companionship. I needed to find me. Chris had died, but not in the way that Jesus talked about…at least I don’t think. My life is much different now. I am not trying to change the world or get all the answers or save the church. I want to do the best I can as a father, husband, minister and friend. That is a huge task and one that I am grossly deficient in and dependent upon God’s grace for. My life is normal. It is filled with normal tasks, normal emotions, normal struggles, and normal desires. I am human being. Christianity doesn’t stop that. I live among other human beings. I need to remember that.

4. Humility is the greatest of all the virtues: I am getting stupider. See, I don’t even know how to properly say what is happening to me. I feel like a complete novice. I sense utter inadequacy in virtually every area of my life. Oh, I have moments of conquering confidence, but then someone comments on one of my sermons, or I snap again at one of my children, or my selfishness chokes out the love for my wife, or a neighbor kid reminds me that I can come across as mean sometimes. I really do need God’s grace. I know that more now sitting at this computer than I have in all my life. I love humble people. I want to be one. God, may it be so.

5. There is not just one will of God for our lives: I used to kill myself over this one. This can be total torture if you seek to live consistent with it. You miss it in one point and you are off track forever. I honestly don’t worry about this much anymore. I pray. I ask God to guide me. And then I do my best to believe that He does. I don’t hear voices. Rarely do I get some strong confirmation. I take what I know from scripture. I try to understand the best I can how others in the history of the church have approached similar issues and I move forward. This makes for a lot less stressful life. There are times when we ought to be persistent in seeking God to the point of “annoying” him as the widow did the unjust judge. But for me, that is not a daily exercise. I have a father who will not give me a stone when I ask for bread, nor will he give me a serpent when I ask for fish. He loves me. That is a wonderful truth and the hardest in all of Christian doctrine to accept.